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Hawking discovers new super-dense black hole
Posted 22 hours 18 minutes ago
PROFESSOR Stephen Hawking has discovered the densest thing in the known universe.


So-called ‘child genius’ doesn’t even know what ‘chinny reckon’ means
Posted 22 hours 49 minutes ago
A CHILD that is meant to be clever has no idea about the basics of the playground English, it has emerged.


Girls whispering about you
Posted 1 day 21 hours 30 minutes ago
THESE girls are whispering about you, it has been claimed.


Science fiction series set in parallel world where Trump is a good human being
Posted 1 day 22 hours 12 minutes ago
A NEW science fiction series is set in an alternate reality where Donald Trump is a wise and kind leader of humanity.


No one sure how to tell couple all their baby names are ridiculous
Posted 1 day 22 hours 59 minutes ago
FRIENDS of an expectant couple are unsure how to tell them that all their baby names are utterly absurd.


Primark ‘must never be said aloud’
Posted 1 day 23 hours 46 minutes ago
THE first rule of Primark is never talk about Primark, the bargain clothes retailer has confirmed.


Bastard cat refusing to do that cute thing he does
Posted 2 days 17 minutes ago
A BASTARD cat has shown up his owner by refusing to do that adorable thing he does every day.


45-year-old man finally accepts that some people like rap music
Posted 2 days 17 hours 47 minutes ago
A MIDDLE-AGED music fan who insisted that anyone claiming to enjoy rap music is lying has finally accepted some of them must be genuine.


Successful A-Level student to mention results every day for rest of life
Posted 2 days 22 hours 7 minutes ago
A STUDENT who received top A-Level results plans to work them into every conversation she has for the rest of her life.


Trump to chew long piece of grass while holding shotgun across his shoulders
Posted 2 days 22 hours 38 minutes ago
DONALD Trump is to conduct the rest of 'presidency' while balancing a shotgun across the back of his neck and chewing on a piece of grass.


Paul Dacre swinging Quasimodo-like from Big Ben
Posted 2 days 23 hours 10 minutes ago
DAILY Mail editor Paul Dacre has scaled the Elizabeth Tower and is currently dangling from Big Ben, in protest at its silencing due to renovation work.


UK celebrates record number of shit jobs
Posted 2 days 23 hours 25 minutes ago
THE number of shit jobs in Britain has reached an all-time time high.


Everyone agrees to pretend dubstep didn’t happen
Posted 3 days 19 hours 23 minutes ago
DUBSTEP – the music that sounds like a fat horse falling down a well – never occurred, everyone has agreed.


‘Cosplay not just fancy dress’ says man dressed as Chewbacca or maybe some kind of hairy elf
Posted 3 days 19 hours 43 minutes ago
A MAN who spends his weekends dressing up as some sort of sci-fi chipmunk creature has defended the practice.


Woman giving herself pep talk in mirror accidentally summons Morrissey
Posted 3 days 22 hours 32 minutes ago
A WOMAN giving herself a motivational pep talk in the mirror has accidentally summoned Morrissey.


Parents practising shocked expressions ahead of son’s shit A-level results
Posted 3 days 23 hours 17 minutes ago
A COUPLE are working hard on their shocked faces in preparation for their son’s inevitably shitty A-level results.


How much money would it take for you to just f**k off? world asks Trump
Posted 4 days 5 minutes ago
THE global population has asked Donald Trump to name his price for f**king off and never coming back.


Cat judging owner for taking it out on lead
Posted 4 days 20 hours 27 minutes ago
A CAT being taken for a walk on a lead has condemned its owner as ‘a weirdo’, along with everyone else in the park.


DVD still not working despite being wiped on man’s trouser leg 

Posted 4 days 20 hours 51 minutes ago
A DVD is still not working despite the owner wiping it on his jeans before putting it back into the machine.


White supremacists ‘commemorate the past’ by living with their parents
Posted 4 days 21 hours 56 minutes ago
WHITE supremacists are ‘commemorating the past’ by refusing to leave their parents’ basements.