June Listings


Breaking News

Man quits exercise for good after realising no-one else gives a shit
Posted 5 hours 1 minute ago
A MAN has stopped working out after realising no-one gives a tuppenny toss about how long he spends at the gym.


Brexiter unable to find any street parties
Posted 1 day 2 hours 29 minutes ago
A COMMITTED Brexiter has yet to find a street party celebrating Britain’s very own independence day.


Cocktails ‘a load of stupid bullshit’, confirm cocktail bar staff
Posted 1 day 2 hours 59 minutes ago
COCKTAILS are nothing more than overpriced bullshit for idiots, cocktail bar staff have confirmed.


Dacre admits he once took delight in something that wasn’t horrible
Posted 1 day 4 hours 19 minutes ago
DAILY MAIL editor Paul Dacre has revealed he was once delighted by something that was not utterly vile.


Ascot declares war on Glastonbury
Posted 1 day 5 hours ago
ROYAL Ascot has decided to finally settle its long-running rivalry with Glastonbury by marching to war.


Wealthy foreigner offer £500,000 to be insulted by Prince Philip
Posted 1 day 5 hours 48 minutes ago
OVERSEAS tycoons are prepared to pay up to half a million pounds to be racially mocked by the Duke of Edinburgh, it has emerged.


Survive five years in this twat factory and you’re in for life, EU citizens told
Posted 1 day 6 hours 5 minutes ago
EU CITIZENS have been told if they can manage five consecutive years in the twat factory that is Britain, they can stay for life.


Britain in record breaking four-day summer
Posted 2 days 3 hours 45 minutes ago
AS SUMMER in Britain comes to an end, experts confirmed the four days of consecutive sunshine was a new record.


Glastonbury coverage welcomed by Britain’s top letches
Posted 2 days 4 hours 25 minutes ago
OLD men who dislike pop music but enjoy lusting after young women have welcomed blanket coverage of Glastonbury.


Dear Holly, I can’t be arsed being royal anymore
Posted 2 days 4 hours 45 minutes ago
Dear Holly, I've decided I can't be arsed being royal anymore. I'd much rather live life as a lowly pleb in a tiny house with a rubbish car and a dreadful job. Harry, Windsor


Parenting ‘a doddle’, confirms aunt who has been babysitting for half an hour
Posted 2 days 5 hours 6 minutes ago
CHILDREN are a lot easier to look after than everyone makes out, according to an aunt who has completed a trouble-free 30 minutes.


Davis tells room full of people who can speak German that they’d all be speaking German if it wasn’t for us

Posted 2 days 5 hours 46 minutes ago
DAVID Davis has told a room full of people who can speak German that if it was not for Britain they would all be speaking German.


Middle class ‘Day of Rage’ focused on poor quality of supermarket tomatoes
Posted 2 days 6 hours 5 minutes ago
MIDDLE class people have spent a ‘Day of Rage’ protesting about IKEA, supermarket tomatoes and the quality of their workplace coffee.


Royal family’s benefits withdrawn
Posted 2 days 6 hours 54 minutes ago
THE Royal family has had its benefits sanctioned after Prince Harry admitted none of them wants the top job.


May unable to do deal at Tesco checkout
Posted 3 days 2 hours 37 minutes ago
THE prime minister has caused chaos at a Tesco checkout after being unable to do a deal where she handed over money for goods.


Queen’s Speech ends with ‘f**k this’
Posted 3 days 3 hours 12 minutes ago
THE Queen’s Speech has ended abruptly with the words ‘fuck this,’ spoken halfway through a sentence, before the monarch wandered off.


Business bullshit ‘vital’ for people who are bad at everything else
Posted 3 days 4 hours 18 minutes ago
POMPOUS business bullshit is vital for maintaining the self-esteem of people who are crap at everything else, research has found.


Man wakes up on sofa with bag of sweetcorn on head
Posted 3 days 4 hours 51 minutes ago
A MAN has awoken on his sofa with the front and back doors propped open and a formerly frozen bag of sweetcorn on his head.


Brexiter to claim he was ‘just kidding’
Posted 3 days 5 hours 25 minutes ago
A BREXITER who has finally realised it will not turn out well is to claim he was just joking.


Fifth Horseman of the Apocalypse revealed as ‘Stupidity’
Posted 3 days 6 hours 3 minutes ago
WAR, Famine, Pestilence and Death have a fifth companion known as Stupidity, experts have discovered.